The One for Candace's 22nd Birthday

Candace, 

Hey shorty. It's your birthday!

Last year around this time Georgia and I were making cupcakes for your 21st birthday. We had dinner at La Casa and couldn't get a good picture because it's so dark in there. I thought it was trivial at the time. (Funny the things we take for granted. The inconveniences we don't pay much attention to.) I'm really glad I didn't miss your 21st. I'm glad I came home to celebrate with you. And I really enjoyed when you came to Portland the next weekend. We had so much fun, and soul-baring, that night. I will always cherish those memories. 

Somedays I get kind of mad at you for leaving. Not because it's your fault, but because I don't know who else to be mad at. 

And now I can't believe I have to live the rest of my life without you. That realization hurts so much, every moment of every day that I come to it. It seems so unfair that your absence will be felt at every special occasion, every family dinner.The shadow of our loss will cling in the air at every Christmas. My heart will break a little more every time I send a group text message and have to remind myself not to include your number. I will be at a loss for how to explain the story anytime someone innocently asks me how many brothers and sisters I have. 

The immediate time following your death was such a fog. A blur so thick with confusion and grief and misery that I can still feel it. It seems now that I have entered a new conscious understanding of how our lives have changed, of what is different. But I still reel in disbelief that I will never see you again. 

I think of the last time we really talked. I brought you a pita and we just chatted while the girls played on the trampoline at Mom's house. It was so innocent. So perfectly reflective of the ease, the subtlety with which we handled ourselves as sisters. We took for granted that we would both always be there. Always moving in and out of deep connection, assuming there would always be time. Not even thinking there wouldn't be another day to eat pitas by the trampoline. Never imagining the last time I saw you in Mom's kitchen with your new hair cut would be the last time I would see you well. Never beginning to comprehend that the last conversation we had on HeyTell would be the last time we ever talked. 

I've never had anything in my life truly end. I've never lost something I could never, ever have back. Except you. And you are one of the worst things to lose. I just can't wrap my mind around this. 

Did you know the ancient Babylonians were the first to come up with the idea of zero? A way to mark the absence of something? Before that, humans didn't have a way of defining negation, lack of existence. How could they have? And how can we bear it, now that we have a way of marking it? Some days I feel like I've just stumbled upon the concept of zero. All the realms of understanding it opens up. A whole new life in the shadow of death. Everything is different now. 

But nothing about this new reality makes me wish I hadn't known you. In fact, it makes me realize over and over again how grateful I am that we had you for 21 years. Helen Keller said, "What we once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us."  And it is so true. The love we shared is a part of me and will remain with me forever. I will never cease to be grateful for the light you carried with you. The smile even in trying circumstances. The compassion and kindness you always showed to those around you. 

I am touched to see the many lives you affected, the friendships you made, the way you have encouraged others, even in your death, to make their lives better. To strive for something worth having. You met many struggles with great resilience. You loved deeply even when you were hurt. And even now your life prompts us to seek the beauty in all things. 

Your birthday will always be so important to me. It's the day you came into our lives and changed them forever. 

Happy Birthday, beautiful. I miss you.

Love you always and forever. 

The One Where Henry is 3 Months Old

This sweet little boy is growing and changing so much!

He LOVES to be tickled. It is his favorite thing! He usually gets tickled while being changed on his changing table and he gets so excited every time I lay him down there. As I start to unbutton his pajamas or onesie he gets a big look of anticipation on his face that culminates in a sweet, hysterical laugh. He'll laugh so hard he almost starts crying from being so overwhelmed with excitement. And then as I start to re-clothe him he gets a sad, "Is that all?" look that just begs for a little more tickling. It is very fun.


I think I already see a very silly side to him, although he is quite calm and patient as well. He likes to just sit in new places and look around. And when we took him on his first long road trip to Idaho last weekend he was very upset if we put his carseat hood up so he couldn't see what was going on. He did pretty well on that trip, and was great at sleeping in my family's very chaotic house. He was happy and content the whole time. Of course, with so many people to love you, how could you be unhappy?

And he loves his big sister, Ellie, so much. She always gets right in his face to play with him and tickle him and screech high-pitched sweet nothings at him. I'm always concerned she's a little too close for comfort, but he often starts cracking up the minute she is in sight. It's a very delighted little laugh. The kind that comes from contentment and happiness.

And speaking of Ellie, this kid has a nice round belly just like she did. He weighed in at 14 pounds, 11 ounces, and measured 25.5 inches at his last appointment two weeks ago. I say this only because, if he's anything like the other babies, this is the only chance he's going to have to be the biggest kid around. Enjoy it while you can, baby boy. 

He's still pretty little though. The picture above is of the first time he rolled over. And he kind of throws his body in all sorts of weird ways trying to see this or that. Last night Steve said, "I think I'm going to nickname this kid Willow Smith. He whips his hair back and forth." Hehehe. My boys. So funny.

Dear Henry,

My favorite part of the day is when daddy brings you in for your night-time feeding, which is usually between 5 and 6 am. Since it's the summer it is very bright already and I can see that you are
 conflicted between ravenous hunger and a need to just smile and giggle because you're in my arms. And once you've satisfied your hunger you look up at me with such satisfaction and milk-drunk joy. It is the sweetest thing. And then you are really, really nice to me and go straight back to sleep for a few hours. It's such a marvelous start to my morning.

You are such a fun addition to our family. So fun, in fact, that I have to constantly remind your sisters to just back up a little and give you some breathing room. They would surely smother you with kisses if I didn't. And I apologize right now for the fact that you may be tone deaf from all the loving screeching they do so close to your tiny baby ears. You're such a good sport about it, though.

We took you to Moscow for the first time this past month for your Uncle Chad's graduation. His middle name is Campbell, too, and he loves you a lot. He is a really good man, very kind and smart and talented. I hope that you see him as a good role model. He also has lots of practice dealing with sisters, and lots of them. So far he has twice as many as you do. He may be able to offer some pointers in the future. 

I love you desperately, my sweet boy. I miss you even when you are asleep in the other room. You bring so much joy and completeness to our little family.

Love, Mommy

The One With The Things I Love About Olivia (2 Years, Part II)

This little girl. Seriously. She is ridiculously cute. I've informed her that she can never grow up. Never.

Olivia is such a sweetie. Somehow, even though she has entered the screamy age of two, she is just the cutest all the time. These are some of my favorite things she has said and done lately.

1. She has one of those personalities that lights up a room, even when the room is just the post office or the grocery store.

2. Her eyes. My goodness those big grey-green eyes could melt mountains, I swear. Every once in a while I'll just be going about doing things, making lunch, or folding laundry or whatever and I'll look over at her and she'll stare back with those beautiful peepers and my heart just stops. How can she be mine?

3. She is still the little tank, who just loves to eat. The other day, right before dinner she said, "Let's eat! Eating! Yay!" It's a regular thing that makes her excited. And when we went strawberry-picking last week, her friend Adahlia rightly named her the "Strawberry Monster." She picked a lot of berries and then devoured them in a few minutes. Her face was covered in red.

4. Her favorite meals right now are pasta with broccoli and marinara and, of course, yumm bowls. She would eat those for every meal, every day.

5. She loves to put things in lines. Little lines of stuffed animals in her bed. Little lines of Sesame Street characters on the floor. Little lines of crayons at the table. I kind of love it.

6. At bedtime she'll often say, "Daddy, can you bring me anything?" She is just trying to think of something to get him to come back so she doesn't have to go to sleep.

7. She has had a little obsession with Lightning McQueen. She had a little matchbox replica of him that she carried around for a while. She insisted on taking it everywhere and then always left it at other people's houses. And then when we were a few minutes away from their house she would remember it in a panic and we would have to go back and fetch him. Well, somewhere along the line she actually misplaced him and we haven't seen him since. Now she just carries around an imaginary "Whyming" which she shows me every morning.

8. Steve used her love of Whyming to try and teach her about being nice and gentle. When she threw Whyming he told her that Whyming got hurt. So she spent the next several days doing pennance for her mistreatment of Whyming. "What are you doing?" I asked her. She replied, "I'm reading Whyming a story. He has an owie. I just throw him in my bed."

9. She likes to talk to Henry and try and keep him happy by screeching at him in a high pitched voice things like, "Are you so tiny?" And "Mama will be there in just a minute, Henery." And she always says it like that, with an extra syllable in the middle.

10. She loves to dress up just like her big sister. And they've been playing wedding lately. Like last week when I said, "You look fancy. Where are you going?" She told me, "I'm getting married." If only she new that it's going to be at least 39 years before I let her do that.

11. Her conversations with Ellie are pretty funny. They have a monitor in their room with the parent unit in ours. You can talk from the parent one to the kid one like a Walkie-Talkie. I showed her how to do it and she was talking to Ellie:
         Olivia: "Your'e so silly."
         Ellie: "No, you're so silly."
         Olivia: "You're right, Ellie. I am so silly."

12. She is still a little snuggle bug. She doesn't get snuggled quite as much now that she has been usurped as the baby of the family. But when she gets her chance she wants to be held and cuddled and rocked. And she sinks down into your arms like it's the best place in the world, asking repeatedly, "Can you squeeze me again."

There is so much about her sweetness that is impossible to describe. It's in her lithe body hopping along everywhere she goes. It's in that untamable hair that is always floating about her head like a halo. It's in her insistence on wearing her Silver Sparklies all the time. It's in the way she cries when daddy is packing the car because she doesn't want him to leave without her. It's in her cheesy smile when she thinks you're taking a picture, or her genuine look of happiness when she is all wrapped up in someone's arms. She is silly. She is serious. She is smart. She is ridiculously adorable. I wish I could bottle up all the cuteness and keep it forever. I know this age will pass all too quickly. But I have a feeling the adorableness will stick around.

The One With the Whole Wheat Strawberry Scones

We went strawberry-picking last week at Columbia Farms on Sauvie Island. It was our first time, but it won't be our last. It was so much fun! The girls were actually very helpful and picked lots of strawberries for their buckets. Of course, Olivia ate all of hers before they made it very far. But we were still able to bring home plenty to make homemade jam (yummy!), dice and eat with Greek yogurt and granola (our favorite breakfast these days), freeze some for future ice cream creations, and use some in our Whole Wheat Strawberry Scones that we made Steve for Father's Day brunch. And by "we" I mean that I made these scones all by myself. Sometimes Ellie likes to help in the kitchen. On Sunday, however, she did not.

We brought home a flat (about 10 pounds) of the Hood strawberries, which are deliciously sweet all by themselves, making them just ideal for baking as they don't require the addition of a lot of sugar. I modified my old faithful scone recipe to use whole wheat, turbinado (or raw) sugar, vanilla Greek yogurt, and, of course, these lovely berries. It turned out so well that we ate the whole batch in one sitting. And I thought I'd share it with you.

Whole Wheat Strawberry Scones

Adjust oven rack to lower-middle position and preheat oven to 400 degrees.

1/2 cup strawberries diced for the puree, + 1/2 cup strawberries diced small to add at the end
1/2 cup vanilla Greek Yogurt*
3 Tablespoons water
1 Tablespoon olive oil
2 teaspoons baking powder

2 cups whole wheat flour
1/4 cup turbinado sugar**
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup (1 stick) butter, cold
1 Tablespoon turbinado sugar for sprinkling

Grease a baking sheet and set aside.

Place 1/2 cup diced strawberries in a food processor and chop until a chunky puree. Combine puree with vanilla Greek yogurt. Stir in water, olive oil and 2 teaspoons baking powder and set aside.

In a separate bowl, use a fork to sift together flour, sugar, 1 teaspoon baking powder, baking soda and salt. Use a cheese grater to grate the butter into the flour mixture and then use a fork, a pastry blender or your fingers to combine the butter and flour mixture until it resembles a coarse meal.

Use a fork to stir in the strawberry and yogurt puree. Stir in diced strawberries. Once combined, shape the dough into 2 1/2-inch balls and then roll them flat (until they are a 1/2 inch thick) on a floured surface. (Or you can cut them into triangles as shown here.) Sprinkle with a light dusting of sugar and bake for 8-10 minutes.

These are pretty wonderful served with butter, and if you're feeling really exciting, strawberry jam. That's how Steve liked them. As you can see, we have a great affinity for all things strawberry in this house.

* You could substitute plain yogurt for vanilla, but if you do, add 2 teaspoons vanilla and use 1/3 cup turbinado sugar instead of 1/4 cup.
**You can substitute turbinado sugar for raw or refined, whichever you prefer.

The One Where Ellie Finished Her First Year of Preschool

Oh Ellie. This little blue-eyed-beauty lights up my world.

Today Ellie had a little party celebrating her completion of her first year of preschool. She got a little certificate and everything.
It was such a pleasure to observe her with her classmates. There was a little band there playing songs for the kids and she was dancing and bouncing and singing along the whole time. She's come such a long way since we began in September. She has really blossomed into a social girl, an observer of those around her, a sweet conversationalist. My heart swelled to see the confidence with which she moved about her world.

It was a potluck party and we made cookies earlier in the day to take. She was in charge of carrying them and while I was extracting Henry from his carseat she accidentally dropped the cookies in the parking lot. While it was raining. It was one of those moments where everyone is wet and cold and I was just trying to get into the building with three little ones. I may have reacted a little too harshly to the spilled and ruined cookies. Then she said to me, so sincerely, "Mama, I'm sorry I dropped the cookies." She was so sweetly sad for what happened. And it broke my heart. I knew she wasn't doing it on purpose, I knew it was just an accident. And I didn't want her to think I was really upset about something that didn't matter. It was a little reminder of how sweet and kind and thoughtful she is.

After the party she was telling me about her friends. "I like Jonah. He's a really nice guy." And yesterday she was talking about how nice her grandma is. "I love her so much. Maybe she will come and see us soon?"

And she's so nice that she gets snacks for her imaginary friends (Beauty and the Beast). She has been very helpful with getting things for Henry and Olivia when they need them. Maybe too helpful at times (she tried to give Henry a drink of water and spilled it all over him). But she has such a kind spirit.

Last weekend she told Steve, "I just love my mama." And when they went to the grocery store she said it again. He replied, "I love your mama, too. Should we get her a present?" She said, "Let's get her an ice cream present. Or a bacon present. Or a food present." They ended up bringing me an ice cream present.

There are a lot of days when I feel like a bad mom. Like I don't read her enough books, or that I lose my temper too often. Or that I just don't have enough time in the day to meet all the physical and emotional demands of three little ones. But it refreshes my heart to know that she loves me enough to tell her dad over and over again. Maybe I'm not doing so poorly after all.

My sweet Ellie,

You are growing and changing so much. I love to hear you speak, because you can finally show me more of what is in your heart. And it is beautiful. 

It has been a delight to see you come out of your shell this year. To embrace your world and explore new territory. You have opened yourself up to sharing who you are with your friends and family. And sometimes even to complete strangers. You cast a little light everywhere you go. 

I'm so proud of you for this growth. Last year in Bible Study you didn't talk to anyone the whole time. And now you are confident enough to share your thoughts with your classmates and teachers. And your openness allows others who are shy to feel comfortable enough to open up to you as well. You bring out the best in everyone around you. 

You are always talking about favorites. Your current favorites are green trees, "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" and Aurora (although I have no idea why). Baby, you're my favorite. You're my favorite preschooler who is growing up so fast. Who likes to wear pajamas all day and snuggle. Who likes to help. Who fills my days with laughter. And books (books are your very favorite). 

I love you, my sweet one. I am looking forward to spending this summer with you.

Love, Mama

The One Where Henry is 2 Months Old

This sweet little boy is two months old!

He is such a content and happy kid. He's been smiling and wiggling up a storm. He loves it when his big sisters come to play with him. And then they over-love him a little and he needs to be rescued. But for the most part, he is a pretty easy going new member of our family. Which is very nice. He's been sleeping well at night and loving to see what there is to see during the day. Ellie is always asking him, "Are you looking around at the world." He's finally getting some head control and he uses it to rapidly look from side to side, just to be sure he doesn't miss a thing. 

As is typical of Waters' babies, he has rounded out quite a bit. It's still hard to see who he'll look like in the end, but it's fun to guess. I always think it's fun to hear who people think he looks like. One day someone will say to me, "He looks just like Steve!" and then the very next day someone else will say he looks like a Filler. 

Dear Henry,

You are such a little love bug. I wish I could just snuggle you all day.

This past month we took you on your first little adventure to Seattle and the Boeing Museum of Flight. You were great and we had a lot of fun. I hope that you always like to go on adventures with us. And eventually you'll go on adventures all your own. And that will make me simultaneously very happy and very sad.

You've been so awesome and I'm really enjoying cuddling you, trying to catch your glance and get you to smile your big, wonderful smile. When I get you up in the morning you beam at me and it melts my heart. I love being the person that can make you so excited. As a mom there are a lot of days that are hard, and I often feel inadequate for the task. But for you, right now, I'm all you need. And that's a pretty cool feeling.

And you're just what I needed, too. It has been a rough year for this family. Having you finally with us has helped me to see the beauty in each day, the treasure that is each moment I get to spend with you. The possibilities that lie ahead make the hardships of today worthwhile. I love you for reminding me of that.

I love you so much, for so many things, baby boy. I can't wait to hear your little giggle. I know it will be soon.

Love, Mommy

The One With the Peanut Butter Stuffed Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies

The girls and I have been having a lot of fun baking together lately. They're finally at the age where they can be somewhat helpful, or at least not totally destructive in the kitchen. And they really love to do the stirring and the taste testing. You know, the important stuff.

It was possibly the cutest moment in my life when I was cleaning up or something and I heard Olivia saying, "Look! That's Olivia. That's me." And she was pointing at her reflection in the Kitchen Aid bowl. My heart almost melted. Seriously.

It just doesn't get much sweeter than this.

Anyway. On to the cookies.

Is it just me, or are peanut butter cookies sometimes too peanut buttery? Just a bit overwhelming in their peanut butteriness? Well I do. So when I saw that someone stuffed their chocolate chip cookies with Nutella, I thought that using peanut butter instead would be a pretty stellar idea. And it is. It makes the cookies peanut buttery, but not overly so. They're just about perfect if you ask me.

We've been making my grandmother's Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookie recipe a lot lately. It's highly addictive, and just ever so slightly more "special" than regular chocolate chip cookies. Adding a little peanut butter to the middle is just the right touch.

Peanut Butter Stuffed Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies
Makes 2 dozen cookies

Preheat oven to 375*

• 1 1/2 cup sifted flour
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 cup butter, at room temperature
• 3/4 cup packed light brown sugar
• 3/4 cup granulated sugar
• 2 eggs
• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 1 teaspoon almond extract
• 2 cups quick oats
• 1 package (12 oz.) semisweet chocolate chips (or half a package of milk, half of semisweet chocolate chips)
• 1 cup chopped almonds
• Peanut butter

Sift flour, baking soda and salt. Set aside. Cream butter and sugar together. Add eggs one at a time, beating well after each. Add vanilla and almond extract. Mix in sifted dry ingredients. Stir in oats, chocolate chips and nuts. You may find the dough easier to work with if you refrigerate it for half an hour to an hour before moving on to the next step.
To stuff the cookies, take a tablespoon of cookie dough and roll it into a ball. Use your thumb to make an imprint in the cookie dough, creating a little crater. Scoop about a teaspoon of peanut butter into the crater and then cover the peanut butter with another little bit of cookie dough. (See pictures of this technique used for Salted Caramel and Chocolate Chip Cookies here.)
Place dough balls on a greased baking sheet and bake for 8 to 10 minutes.

Enjoy! I'm quite certain you will!